he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
