i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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