Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
