I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
