apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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