Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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