I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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