I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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