I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
