i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
