Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
