Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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