To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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