Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
is wine microwaveable?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
