I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
