i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
barbara walters just said penis...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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