38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
