Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
