you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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