did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
