this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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