oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
