what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
