Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i came on her dog
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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