I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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