now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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