i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
