Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
