if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
