Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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