Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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