Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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