Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
