I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
