I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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