Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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