I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
