My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
