I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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