I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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