Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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