I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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