Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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