I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
