Taylor Swift is so right about you.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
