Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
