Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
