Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
