someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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