I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
