Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
