I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
